Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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