I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I am in a vortex of obligation.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
