Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
