Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
