I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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