Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
