u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
