I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
