went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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