Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
