i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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