I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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