I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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