i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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