I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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