I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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