Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
