No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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