life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
