I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
