You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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