ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
