he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
