Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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