I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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