Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
People in love make me want to vomit
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize