don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
