Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
