I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
