when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
