Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
