i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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