Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
