I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
