Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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