i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
