the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
