My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize