its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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