oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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