Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
