Pants 0. Shit 1.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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