dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
