2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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