is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
