He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
