He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
