i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
