2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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