I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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