I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
